Life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different sides.
Lao Tzu
Over the past several days my energy has pin-balled between sadness, shock, and disbelief. The drug overdose crisis and its poisonous and toxic drug supply in British Columbia, and in our community, has reached (finally?) our family.
A community has been left stunned in the wake of the sudden death of our son’s closest, and dearest, friend a victim of the monstrous epidemic that is the toxic drug supply. NOTE: Advocacy groups are hoping to insert a change in the conversation from ‘drug overdose’ to ‘drug toxicity’ due to the overwhelming presence of fentanyl (and other dangerously synthetic opioid derivatives) in a growing variety of both recreational and pharmaceutical drugs.
In particular, I feel immense sadness (and powerlessness) for our son, who at 20 years of age, is now having to reckon with human mortality, the consequences of engaging in risky and dangerous behaviours, the powerful feelings of grief and sadness, and their close proximity to death. He also entered into a dark and insidious perspective having witnessed his friend’s slow descent into drug addiction. And frustratingly, this scene is becoming an all too common situation among the youth in our province.
As so many of these situations begin, his friend started numbing with binge drinking at the age of eleven in public spaces like school playgrounds and parks on the weekend; many of these incidents resulting in ‘blacking out’. After two short-term stints in drug rehabilitation programs for youth, he returned to our community; and back to behaviours that had become habitual. Eventually, the friends made regular trips to large urban centres in order to gain access to cheaper opioid narcotics to meet the increasing physiological demands of his nervous system.
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
Chinese proverb
And without question, I have endless compassion and empathy for the parents of his friend. And not just for the acute, raw, devastating pain that they are suffering in light of the tragedy, but in the six intervening years that their child struggled openly with his addiction demons. While I am fully aware that this is not an uncommon occurrence in western society, in an ideal world no parent should have to bury their child. These grief-stricken parents will carry this sadness for a lifetime. How can a parent not?
My son has openly admitted to substance experimentation (‘misuse’ might be a more apropos term, but that also might be tinged with my personal judgment) for a number of years. As parents, we have nothing but open conversations will all of our children around this epidemic. Everything is up for discussion. Throughout that period, he appeared to be able to recognize, and appreciate, the subtle guardrails that society offered to those engaged in risky behaviours; moderation was his saving grace; perhaps saving his life.
The two friends spent countless hours together and joined us for many a laughter-filled dinners. And if I am honest, my mind often shuddered at the idea of how they spent much of that other time together (more judgment). Our son publicly swore off “taking pills” shortly afterwards. I wonder if he truly feels his words. In the darkness of grief and in the immediacy to numb the pain of losing a best friend, I wonder how will he show up for himself; that will be the truest test of his courage and resiliency.
And lastly…
This isn’t a rant. This is not a pipe dream. This not hope. This is just a prayer of faith. Faith that my son and his peer generation truly grasp the importance of risk mitigation (i.e., not doing drugs alone, having all drugs tested, ensuring a naloxone kit at the ready, requiring that one person staying sober, having the courage to call for help if ever needed, etc.) when deciding what to put into their bodies. Such risky behaviours also include (but are not limited to) recreational drug use, excessive speeding and street racing, binge drinking, and driving while intoxicated to name just a few. Incredibly, BC youth ages 10-18 are more likely to now die from a poisonous toxic drug supply than motor vehicle accidents. As a youth, I recall when everyone knew a young person who perished in a motor vehicle accident. The dawn of a new history has taken root.
I just recently spoke about the world that youth are now required to navigate; it is not the same that I experienced. Second chances for risky behaviours are fleeting. Near the end of our conversation, she paid me, what I can only categorize as, a compliment. When I shared some of the adolescent challenges facing our family, she paused and responded, “I don’t think that I could raise children in today’s world. I don’t think I would even have children.” I interpreted this as code for: Shit. I’m sorry you are going through this. It must be incredibly difficult. I cannot image. But you got this.
I hope I do. As parents, we don’t really have a choice.
If someone you know is struggling with addiction, please offer compassion, curiosity, and non-judgment. If you know of families and loved ones left in the wake of someone trapped in or lost to addictions, there is always help available, and it is only a phone call away.
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don’t.
Blaise Pascal
JY
GETTING CURIOUS 